A few days ago, I hit 90 days sober for what is not the first time. It’s a significant accomplishment for me. It does not mean I still want to drink; I do, but I am following the AA guidelines and the fellowship along with my higher power and getting through. I can’t say it has been easy or hard. It has been challenging. I listen to my sponsor. It is not just the urges. It is how I dealt with things, like when I turned to a drink to deal with a situation. Stressful situations warranted a drink, and I have had a plethora of stressful situations. I have less now since I retired. Working as a system administrator for high-profile companies is a very stressful job. The computer systems must always be optimal, regardless of the crisis. On top of all that stress, I was dealing with sexual assault at age 19. Let me tell you. I was a rather messed up man and confused, embarrassed, humiliated, angry, hurt, and angry at the world. Rape does that. I was also angry at God. I did not do anything wrong, it just happened, and I was pissed that he let it happen. It took me years to stop blaming God; he is loving and does not control people’s actions. I took my frustrations with humanity out on other people. I lashed out ferociously against people, especially my friends to what some would consider an eventually expected loss of friendship. Today, I am mostly alone. The friends moved on from me. I am different now but timid and introverted, so it has been difficult for me to meet new people, and I struggle. I have trust issues and don’t particularly like strangers talking to me. It all goes back to the rape. It has been over 40 years, and I need to put that behind me, but it is tough. Part of the problem is that I feel like people will judge me. A man raped by another man, how could I let that happen? 60lbs is one way. A knife is another. Being 19 and scared is the other. I will trust my higher power. I will keep going to meetings, both live and on Zoom. I will keep this fellowship going. God willing I will make it day by day.