I’m giving a quick update. Still sober. We are traveling quite a lot. Early in the year, we took a transatlantic cruise to Southampton, England, stopping in Iceland, Northern Ireland, Normandy, Liverpool, among other places. Visited Stonehenge and Windsor Castle as well. Then we took a midwestern road trip visiting friends and family, including my aunt in Iowa and my uncle in Wisconsin. We also made it to St Louis to visit with one of Dan’s fraternity brothers for some fantastic food. Several trups to DC as usual for visit with friends. Next we are heading on another transatlantic trip starting in Barcelona and ending in Miami at the end of November. The trip visits several places in Spain, as well as Morocco, Portugal (Madeira), and Gibraltar. Looking forward to it. Now that Dan is also retired, we can look forward to even more trips. House is fine. We renovated the master bathroom due to a mold spot in the shower that developed into a significant problem. Oh well, mold happens.

That’s about it for now.

I did it. I made one year sober. It took a lot of effort, many meetings, and a change of scenery. I found through the meetings and the shares of other alcoholics that most have to change at least some of their friends along the way. I did not have to do that because I lost the majority of mine while drinking. I can count on one hand those I have remaining, but none are very close. It has been a journey of self-reflection. I have been progressing through the twelve steps of AA with my sponsor. I have learned that I need to make amends to people that I have hurt along the way. That’s a lot of pressure.

Having a supportive partner during this journey has been key to my sobriety, and I could not have done it without Dan by my side. He is retiring within the next few days. Having both of us retired opens the door for us to do more things. Our first adventure is a transatlantic cruise at the end of the month. Many more adventures will follow.

I will continue my daily AA meetings, prayer, meditations, and readings. For me, life is so much better sober.

Decided to skip the blog entry for six. I received my AA coins for six month at two meetings I attend, but I am still shy about getting in front of people to get them. I am proud of myself for achieving these milestones, but I don’t want the attention. My AA network is still relatively small, but I want it to grow. I must overcome my shyness and reluctance to engage with people. I have been going to meetings early before they start so that I have a chance to talk to people. That seems to be working somewhat so. I will keep at it.

I planned on going to Europe in October but had to cancel a few days before. I canceled the plane ticket but am working on a refund with the assistance of my doctor. I have a digestive issue affecting my life way too much. On medication and seeing a doctor, but the cause is yet to be determined. Since we were going with a friend, Dan went without me, which was the right thing to do. He said the trip was rather exhausting, being in a different city and hotel each night and all that goes with that. Maybe he told me that to make me feel better. Either way, I am glad he had a good time.

A few days ago, I hit 90 days sober for what is not the first time. It’s a significant accomplishment for me. It does not mean I still want to drink; I do, but I am following the AA guidelines and the fellowship along with my higher power and getting through. I can’t say it has been easy or hard. It has been challenging. I listen to my sponsor. It is not just the urges. It is how I dealt with things, like when I turned to a drink to deal with a situation. Stressful situations warranted a drink, and I have had a plethora of stressful situations. I have less now since I retired. Working as a system administrator for high-profile companies is a very stressful job. The computer systems must always be optimal, regardless of the crisis. On top of all that stress, I was dealing with sexual assault at age 19. Let me tell you. I was a rather messed up man and confused, embarrassed, humiliated, angry, hurt, and angry at the world. Rape does that. I was also angry at God. I did not do anything wrong, it just happened, and I was pissed that he let it happen. It took me years to stop blaming God; he is loving and does not control people’s actions. I took my frustrations with humanity out on other people. I lashed out ferociously against people, especially my friends to what some would consider an eventually expected loss of friendship. Today, I am mostly alone. The friends moved on from me. I am different now but timid and introverted, so it has been difficult for me to meet new people, and I struggle. I have trust issues and don’t particularly like strangers talking to me. It all goes back to the rape. It has been over 40 years, and I need to put that behind me, but it is tough. Part of the problem is that I feel like people will judge me. A man raped by another man, how could I let that happen? 60lbs is one way. A knife is another. Being 19 and scared is the other. I will trust my higher power. I will keep going to meetings, both live and on Zoom. I will keep this fellowship going. God willing I will make it day by day.

Renovate.
Eight months ago, we embarked on a minor home renovation that has become more significant than most. The scope seems to creep, partly because of the contractor but primarily because of us—a sunroom to a four-season room with a long list of side projects. Dan allowed me to manage the project since I was not working. The room is almost done; my office has moved into the space. The floor is heated, as is the room, so it is a comfy space. I spent many hours on Zoom meetings and veteran video conference meetings, and it is a great place to have the privacy to do that. Most of my sessions are either AA or PTSD related. I’m still struggling with the alcohol. As an alcoholic in recovery, it is never straightforward. I work on it daily. Frankly, it is the hardest thing I have had to do. I’ve made enough mistakes over the years to qualify as persona non grata, so I do this without friends. When you are told more than once that someone does not have a place in their life for you any longer, that is the time that you know you screwed up. That’s me, moreover, many times.

I am going forward and learning everything in AA and finding my spiritual balance and my higher power. I am learning to live with myself and to accept the person I was and the person I have become. I am good despite my previous actions. I have worth. God has a place for me, and although I may not know exactly where that is, I know there is a place.

I also know God has looked over my health. I had a hip replacement in 2006, which ended my running career. A heart attack in 2021 with a triple bypass, a suicide attempt in 2022, and rehab in 2022 and 2023, which has kept me alive. Both were followed by months-long inpatient PTSD programs. The struggle with alcohol continues. More rehab is in the future, I fear. I am active in AA. I have a great sponsor. I attend a lot of meetings, and I am involved, but I still have that urge. I have lost friends through death and lost friends through my bad behavior. Please pray for me, or perhaps just keep me in your thoughts. The struggle continues. I still need to renovate.

Donald

Battle back.
I’ve been fighting back issues for some time now. They resulted from a fall while I was in the Navy down from a ship’s mast while working on an antenna. It took years for the pain to surface, but it has been rather debilitating over the last few years.

I have been waiting for the procedure for two years but received interim help. It’s been mostly (Radio Frequency Ablation) AFA. I heard about this more invasive but more permanent procedure two years ago. It was called Intercept. I jumped on it. It took time, but I received the operation yesterday, on a Sunday. I feel confident. I am sore as all get out. I am uncomfortable, but I can manage. I am happy I made the decision.

I look forward to a better back.

Update:

Surgery is coming in January. I will find out all the details on December 26th but it appears to be nothing more that a discectomy. We will see.

I recently read a Winston Churchill quote that speaks to life to this day.

Winston Churchill

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts” -believe in yourself and never give in. Continuous effort – not strength or intelligence – is the key to unlocking our potential’ – work hard to get what you want.”

Wow! I am in recovery, so these words mean more to me personally than perhaps how they would have at another time.

I have been thinking about how we measure success. Is it having millions in investments and the like, or is it the blue-collar worker who saved every penny so his children might succeed?

Something to think about