Renovate.
Eight months ago, we embarked on a minor home renovation that has become more significant than most. The scope seems to creep, partly because of the contractor but primarily because of us—a sunroom to a four-season room with a long list of side projects. Dan allowed me to manage the project since I was not working. The room is almost done; my office has moved into the space. The floor is heated, as is the room, so it is a comfy space. I spent many hours on Zoom meetings and veteran video conference meetings, and it is a great place to have the privacy to do that. Most of my sessions are either AA or PTSD related. I’m still struggling with the alcohol. As an alcoholic in recovery, it is never straightforward. I work on it daily. Frankly, it is the hardest thing I have had to do. I’ve made enough mistakes over the years to qualify as persona non grata, so I do this without friends. When you are told more than once that someone does not have a place in their life for you any longer, that is the time that you know you screwed up. That’s me, moreover, many times.

I am going forward and learning everything in AA and finding my spiritual balance and my higher power. I am learning to live with myself and to accept the person I was and the person I have become. I am good despite my previous actions. I have worth. God has a place for me, and although I may not know exactly where that is, I know there is a place.

I also know God has looked over my health. I had a hip replacement in 2006, which ended my running career. A heart attack in 2021 with a triple bypass, a suicide attempt in 2022, and rehab in 2022 and 2023, which has kept me alive. Both were followed by months-long inpatient PTSD programs. The struggle with alcohol continues. More rehab is in the future, I fear. I am active in AA. I have a great sponsor. I attend a lot of meetings, and I am involved, but I still have that urge. I have lost friends through death and lost friends through my bad behavior. Please pray for me, or perhaps just keep me in your thoughts. The struggle continues. I still need to renovate.

Donald