I’ve been in a 40-year struggle with many peaks and valleys. I moved a few steps forward, only to be set back to deal with my problem myself. I became used to the fact and adapted. Most of the time, my actions could have been more optimal, and I put myself into unfavorable situations. While serving in the Navy at 19, I have hidden that a fellow service member sexually assaulted me. That singular event has run my life since then. It was brutal and nothing short of torture. My primary coping mechanism was the bottle. I was ashamed, humiliated, angry, and full of guilt. I did not know how to cope. I threw insults at other people. I pushed everyone away. My shame and embarrassment took over. I blamed myself for the assault. Until recently, I never sought help. I compensated for my guilt and grief by lashing out at people. I offer my humble apologies. I can’t ask for forgiveness that I do not deserve.

I have used the Veterans Administration for help for the last two years. I filed a claim and received a disability rating. The rating gave me access to health care, allowing me to seek alcohol abuse treatment and treatment for MST (Military Sexual Trauma) from the VA.

I have attempted suicide twice. The second time I ended up in the East Orange, NJ, VA Hospital emergency room. I was committed to a psychiatric ward at a VA hospital in the Bronx, where I spent over a week. At the Bronx, the VA discovered that MST was the reason for the suicide attempts. They recommended alcohol treatment first, so I started that. To date, I have been through two separate in-patient substance abuse treatment programs. The first was 56 days, and the second was 30 days. After each substance abuse program, I attended a follow-on PTSD in-patient program to help me with PTSD/MST. Those were both about two months each. I have spent significant time in residential treatment for the last two years.

Am I better? I can’t say totally. I can say I better know how to deal with my trauma. I have a toolbox to help when I have frequent problems. I have people I can call. I still have relapses. I still go to counseling several times a week and attend AA meetings. I practice mindfulness and meditation. I lost most of my friends. Perhaps I can build a new group. I’ve met a lot of veterans with huge problems who have made big mistakes but are just trying to be better men. Each day is a struggle not to commit suicide, not drink and not just cry over the assault. It has been a difficult 40 years. Very few people knew (until now) about the assault. I don’t blame it for my actions toward others.

I look forward to my new life without the burden of that horrible experience ruling my days. Counseling is good. I recommend mental health help to everyone. Talking through problems helps.