Hi there. It has been 21 years. You were supposed to be 82 coming up on 83 today. However, you are not here anymore. I often think about my childhood leading to my adulthood with you and your boys. The battalion of the four of us. You really did a great job abiding by your military life and the path you demanded we boys take. I have come to understand that we were soldiers long before most of us became actual defenders, soldiers, sailors and protectors. The boy bond lasted until John left to get better. He is back, at lease in talking a bit.

You experienced negative events. Your life in general changed after John came back. Stan’s death hit you harder then I could ever have imagined. I stepped in for his funeral arrangements because you asked. Just the two boys were left, Fred Jr and I. I missed the weekend visits I had in those following years. We got a bit closer. I was also deep into my career and it was keeping me stable. I had a flourishing life but sometimes I missed things. I noticed a change in you before Stan’s passing. You had anger combating remorse. Guilt battling shame. The immense grief. Your views became jumbled. I continued to step in regulary to help out and to fix things so you cound stay in your house. You were blessed to meet Dan. That visit meant a lot to me and Dan. He got to meet my family.

Mr. Fixit. That was you. It did not matter what project we were working on, your were there by our side. We built pinewood derby cars and you were there win or lose. We could leave pretty much anything on your desk and it would appear in our rooms a few days later. Always repaired. In life you and mom taught us all the basics. Changing the oil in the car, doing laundry and your monthy calendars on the fridge to guide us in the evening meal for the night. Sometimes you cooked, mostly that fell to us. We learned life skills that prepared us for adult life.

You had mystery in your job. We knew that your were active duty Army but never did we see you in uniform. You vanished to places world wide and returned with some trinket that we gathered around to look at in awe. You impressed us with your adventures and we stood in amazement. The Great Wall story will always be firmly planted in my head.

My wearing glassing very young always bothered me. I did not need yet another thing for the local kids to find fault with me. You brought me to the eye glass shop and tried your best to convey to the doctor that I was a normal kid who just did not have that superfan view of most sports. I played violin. Sorry I was not the jock you got with the other boys.

When I went to high school the family life changed. I saw very little of you and mom even though we lived in the same house. Our teenage lives, the bickering with you, the brotherly arguements all led to a rift that was never solved. Plenty of blame goes a round. There is simply too much terrain to cover before I can have a relation with one brother.

You chose to take your life. I understand feeling so bad that you think that is the only solution. I have attempted and failed twice. I have been in the care of residential care at the VA for three quarters of the last two years. The VA saved me. The VA helped me look ahead instead of to the past.

I wish I knew that the Veterans Administration could have helped you in life as they helped me in my counseling and recovery.

Today is Father’s Day. Your day. I miss you old man. I have so much to say that I never got to say. I pray. I will pray that your understand how much you meant to me.

Your loving son,

Donald (DJ)