Coatesville, PA. Veterans Hospital.
From the National Institutes of Mental Health
“Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a disorder that develops in some people who have experienced a shocking, scary, or dangerous event.”
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
― Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sing
I am four weeks into my second residential inpatient treatment program for PTSD. Round one last year was from September through November at the VA Hospital in Montrose NY. I learned much about myself in NY and I am learning even more here in PA. My PTSD originates from when a traumatic event occurring while serving in the US Navy. It fundamentally changed my life.
I write this to help me. When my trauma happened I did not even know what PTSD was. I also write “impact statements” as part of my treatment following Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with a specific focus on Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT). There are references below.
I stopped working in the fall of 2019. A hand problem became too much to perform my job. I had a heart attack in January 2021. A lonely recovery from triple bypass surgery and a fair amount of free time brought me to the understanding that I was miserable. COVID made not seeing people easy. I has been isolating for years but the pandemic encouraged more.
I felt sorry for myself with the hand issues. Four surgeries largely repaired the problem but also prevented me from continuing my chosen career path. I was not dealing with the trauma. I had almost no friends. I was ready to end it all. I honestly wished the heart attack had killed me.
I had suicide attempts in January and March of 2022. After the second one I was committed to a psychiatric ward where was I diagnosed with PTSD and depression. Like many, I associated PTSD generally with soldiers like my father. Vietnam veterans. He suffered from it and never got treatment. He committed suicide in 2002.
I spent years in pain. From age 19 on. I suffered through guilt, shame, embarrassment and especially anger. I disliked myself and most people. Making friends was difficult and the ones I made lasted until I ruined the relationship. I could not keep inappropriate and obnoxious comments to myself. I was very angry so I lashed out all the time. I disrespected myself and everyone else, primarily my closer acquaintances. I kept busy by engaging in a heavy work schedule. I took out my pain on the people around me. I took stressful jobs and I tried to move on from my trauma by isolation and alcohol. I suffered through the losses of my brother, father and mother. I became estranged from my remaining brother.
I reached out to the Veterans Administration. The VA provided the help I needed. They set me on the path to understand my pain and where it originated. I was finally helped in putting events together and to understand better what I had gone through. I was broken but they could help fix me. It was more than 30 years late. I have been resilient but I knew it was time to go back into the VA.
Through therapy I am working on recovery. Both alcohol recovery and my trauma. I am learning to understand that the trauma was not my fault. It was unforeseeable. The therapy I committed to is CPT. It requires readdressing the trauma. This therapy is the hardest thing I have ever done. I felt forward movement with the first PTSD program and more with the current one. I still have several weeks but will stay as long as I need. I am confident I will achieve success. I will never recapture all that I have lost but I am learning to be a better husband and a better human. It will be a lifetime of working on my pain. I will pay it forward to other vets that are suffering through substance abuse and PTSD. I want to let my fellow vets know I have your six. Let’s move forward because the real work starts now..
Are you a Veteran in crisis or concerned about one? You’re not alone—the Veterans Crisis Line is here for you. You don’t have to be enrolled in VA benefits or health care to call. Dial 988 and press #1
Text to 838255
Please read up at this link.
https://deploymentpsych.org/blog/staff-voices-pe-or-cpt…that-question
Below are some some slides the VA provided regarding PTSD. I have started with PE and moved to CPT. Both fall under CBT.
To all the people I treated horribly with insults and jabs, with lies and deception, with anger and contempt, I am so sorry. I have an illness. I promise that I will work on me. I will go to meetings and I will continue my therapy. I promise, there is a good man somewhere in me.
Don
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