If you are a veteran and thinking about suicide, I can personally vouch for this, https://www.veteranscrisisline.net. Dial 888, then press one.

In January 2022, I had my first suicide attempt. I tried drowning by walking into the bay. I failed. A woman walking her dog talked me back to shore, comforted me, and provided me heat. In March of 2022, I attempted again. I was close, but the rubber exercise bands I used to hang myself broke. I ended up sitting in my underwear in a pile of despair. I was broke. Dan found me.

I called the Veterans Crisis Line, and they sent me to the emergency room. I was committed to a psychiatric ward for a week. Shortly after the suicide attempt, I spent four months (July-Nov) in the care of the Veterans Administration. Inpatient ward. I needed help. I received a great deal of personal and group counseling. I entered the program to reach out for help with alcohol and PTSD. The VA spent time to get me on the right path. I knew I had a problem with alcohol. I was awful to my friends when I drank. I have lost all of them. I found out that I suffered from PTSD from an event when I was in the Navy. That event rattled me and controlled me for the next 40 years. It still rattles me. I felt so bad for myself that I simply wanted to go, end it, and commit suicide. I suffer from depression and stressful situations. I self-medicated with alcohol to hide my pain. I tried being someone who I was not. I carried on like nothing was wrong. None of that worked.

I had been in a very dark place for 40 years. I did not know how or who to talk to. I felt no one understood my pain, shame, or embarrassment. My closest friend passed away while I was in treatment in October. Gut punch, to say the least. I was hurt and crushed. I was hurt because he died so suddenly. I again contemplated suicide. Two friends told me then that they did not want me in their lives. My path in life has been difficult at times. However, I’ve held on. I learned to accept my losses. I accepted that I ruined far too much during my 20s through my 50s. I tried hard to get over things in the past. I guess there is too much damage. I am a good man. I am a successful man. “Ex Inhilo.” I will always realize that I have much to give and offer and be a helpful person to other people. My past will not predicate my future. I ask for forgiveness and understanding.

Next time…..